Thoughts on Parashat Toldot 5786
Rabbi Menachem Mirski
Parashat Toldot… Toldot means “Generations”And if you’re talking about generations… You’re talking about a whole lot of drama. So we have a plot, an unethical plot for many commentators, then the reaction to it – anger, fear, reward, punishment… and some would say that some sort of karma. I will focus only on the beginning of the story today: Jacob, Esau and the birthright takeover. Long story short: Two brothers, Jacob and Esau, started to wrestle with each other already inside their mother’s womb, so violently that she cried. God told her “two nations are struggling within your body, two peoples already divided, the elder destined to serve the younger.” They struggle during their birth; then they grow up and become opposite characters, Esau a rugged, impulsive hunter; Jacob a calm, quiet tent-dweller, a kind of social intellectual.
The rivalry goes on for decades, and at some point Esau, convinced he would die of hunger, swears away his birthright – a double portion and covenantal primacy for a single meal. The story unfolds further but this is a pivotal moment, on which we will focus today. Esau is generally a good man but he lives a life that is so intensely focused on the moment that it leads him to acknowledge he doesn’t care about the future – he may die at any moment. When he realizes that he sells his future for a bowl of stew. He sells his future for… immediate gratification.
Immediate gratification. Who doesn’t like it?? You don’t feel good at the moment, but you know what makes you feel great so you do whatever makes you feel happy and you feel great. Problem solved. What’s the big deal? What’s the point of any further discussion?
Well, we all know, I mean, the adults among us, that it’s a terrible solution. Everyone who has tried to focus their life exclusively on immediate gratification found themselves, after some time, in a big spiritual and psychological hole… no meaning, no purpose, no goal… and depression, with “no right” to be depressed, actually, because you’ve done it to yourself!
There are countless examples of instant gratification in the modern world: eating ultra-processed fast food instead of “proper food”, watching adult content instead of developing romantic, intimate relationships, scrolling social media or whatever you like to do on your phone ALL DAY LONG.
Last year a remarkable book was published on it. The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt. The author argues that smartphones and social media triggered a devastating mental health crisis in Gen Z by rewiring childhood from play-based to phone-based. Constant access to likes, streaks, and infinite scrolling hijacks the dopamine system, creating addiction-like patterns: high-frequency, unpredictable rewards that overstimulate and then desensitize reward pathways. This leads to chronic under-stimulation in real life, high levels of anxiety, attention fragmentation, sleep deprivation, and endless social comparison. Long-term consequences include sharply higher rates of depression, anxiety disorders, self-harm, and suicide delayed social and emotional development, reduced resilience. All these effects that may persist into adulthood and impair relationships, productivity, and overall well-being.
Yes, we also know how chasing the immediate gratification can ruin our life in a very objective way: we set no big life goals, we sacrifice nothing, so we end up not achieving anything… and after many years we are in exactly the same place we were before. If you realize early enough that this is not the way to go, you may be able to fix your life, get serious, set meaningful goals, find a mate, get educated, get a job and be happy.
But I would like to focus today on some other, psychological aspects of it. So my question for today is: what does it do, to you, psychologically, to your brain? How will the mindset of chasing the immediate gratification determine your future even after you realize that’s not the way to go?
One of the effects of this mindset that may outlive your “come to God” moment, your teshuva, for a long time is that your focus on immediate gratification makes you… reactive. Makes you impulsive, or reinforces your impulsiveness and reactiveness if you had already been a person like that. There is substantial evidence from psychology and neuroscience for it. And this impulsiveness, reactiveness will come out of you in the least expected situations. If that happens, people will see it, and you will be seen as powerless, weak and therefore – not reliable. At that time you may already become a new, transformed, strong person but your old self will come back to bite you, in the least expected moment. People who know you will forgive you but people who don’t may not. Powerful people will despise you, seeing your old habits, and you as a reactive person. Power respects resilience and you’ve just shown you don’t have any. People won’t trust you with anything that matters.
Your impulsiveness and reactiveness in the realm of emotion can easily ruin every relationship you have. Your romantic relationships – that’s for sure – but many other relationships as well. You’ll likely become a person who reaches out only when you need something. That’s not a good thing. When someone is constantly measuring what they can take, it shows they’ve never learned how to build anything worth keeping. It signals mental poverty and lack of control.
So, your old habits will stay longer with you and may terribly impact the way others perceive you, and you may not be able to do anything about it. So, the sooner you minimize your attachment to immediate gratification, or truly learn how to control it, the better for you! And if you struggle with it and feel guilty about it, don’t let your insecurity reign over you because it will diminish you and may hurt your relationships as well.
Shabbat shalom,
Rabbi Mirski
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