Thoughts on Parashat Miketz 5785
Menachem Mirski
Let me start my reflection today with the quotation from the Talmud:
There are three partners in the forming of a person: The Holy One, Blessed be He, father and mother. When a person honors his father and mother, the Holy One, Blessed be He, says: I ascribe credit to them as if I dwelt between them and they honor Me as well. (Kiddushin 30b)
In our Torah portion for this week Jacob, the father of thirteen, is very concerned about letting his youngest son Benjamin go with his brothers to Egypt to see Joseph, who has not revealed his identity yet. His concern looks perfectly legitimate within the context of the biblical story – it seems that Jacob’s trust towards his sons became limited after the mysterious disappearance of Joseph. However, if we put this context aside for a moment, his concerns seem to mirror parental overprotectiveness we see pretty often today. This realization caused my mind to ask a question: what is the traditional rabbinic stance of the parental roles particularly with regard to protection / overprotection of children? There is no simple answer to this question but we can infer this stance from the general picture of parental responsibilities proposed by the rabbis.
Judaism is based in values and duties to care for others, including children. General principles are pretty obvious for everyone who knows the basics of Judaism: parents are obligated to introduce their children to the Torah and train them in the observance of mitzvot. Denying a child religious knowledge robs the child of an inheritance. (Talmud Sanhedrin 91b) Our tradition holds that each person is created in the image of God, is unique and valuable, and must be cared for when in need. There are also sanctions for those who harm others. Overall, Jewish tradition views children as a gift from God to be cherished and guided to fulfill God’s purpose for the child. Judaism specifies concepts and duties related specifically to the protection and care of children. Along with the widow and the poor, the “orphan” is included as requiring special care by the community. Also, Jewish tradition requires that parents support and educate their children, not only in the principles of Judaism but also in skills to earn a living. Jewish tradition also emphasizes that parents not make unreasonable demands on their children or punish them in such a way as to foster rebellion.
In terms of teaching children our tradition particularly stresses the importance to recognize individual differences between them. Each child responds differently to the intellectual challenges of Jewish religion, culture, as well as the challenges of practical life. Parents should seek to maximize their children’s exposure to the ideas and sacred texts of our religion. Whether a child is an academic star or a slow learner, education must always be tailored to the specific needs and aptitudes of the people to whom it is being addressed. Religious education, however, must be balanced with the so-called ‘worldly occupation’ and here we have yet another obligation put on parent’s shoulders: they are obligated to either teach them or guide them how to obtain this “worldly occupation” – namely, a profession or skill set that will allow them to make a living on their own and become independent adults. As the Talmud says:
Anyone who does not teach his son a skill or profession may be regarded as if he is teaching him to rob. (Kiddushin 29a)
These directives are intended to help children grow into successful and independent adults who will be part of the Jewish community, establish a household, and find meaningful work. Some of talmudic directives are very specific, like a requirement for fathers to teach their sons to swim. While teaching children to swim may seem less important than other things, the sages understood this to be an essential survival skill.
Our tradition also emphasizes the necessity to teach children discipline. When parents discipline a child, it may be difficult for the child to accept that guidance with love. Therefore, it is essential that parents begin positively by modeling the type of conduct that they wish to see in their children and this needs to be done at early stages of their children’s life. But this also needs to be balanced: parents must resist the temptation to eradicate or to cover up all of a child’s shortcomings. Generally speaking, failure to discipline children is an abdication of parental responsibility and may lead the children to what the rabbis called tarbut ra’ah, a vulgar pattern of poor behavior, which goes against another rabbinic principle of upbringing: guiding children to develop good character.
Besides that there are a few interesting insights I would like to mention here that play a significant role in developing good character:
Never threaten children. Either punish them or forgive them. (Semahot 2:6)
A father should be careful to keep his son from lies, and he should always keep his word to his children. (Talmud Sukkah 46b)
A parent should not promise to give a child something and then not give it, because in that way the child learns to lie. (Talmud Sukkah 46b)
Anger in a home is like rottenness in fruit. (Talmud Sotah 3)
Coming back to the question posed at the beginning, I believe that we can already approximate the answer to it: Parents shall not protect their children at all costs or control everything they do. Their role is to guide children, using all their moral and practical knowledge and be examples for them – examples teaching Jewish values: discipline, responsibility, justice, as well as love and compassion. As the commentary to Ethics of Our Fathers says:
The parent who instructs by personal example rather than mere words, his/her audience will take his/her counsel to heart. The parent who does not practice what he/she so eloquently preaches, his/her advice is rejected.
As I have already mentioned in my previous divrei Torah – Judaism is generally not a religion of role models but the religion of the law. Nevertheless, there is a room for role-models in our tradition and that’s exactly where it is placed: parents should be role models for their children. They should follow their own instructions the best they can. If they don’t, their teachings not only may not be effective – they may have an opposite effect. If that is already happening it becomes extremely difficult to ‘reverse’ the entire process and there may not be simple solutions to it. But one thing that should never hurt is to try to repair the relationship between parent and child. As the old Hasidic tale goes:
A father once came to the Baal Shem Tov with a problem concerning his son. He complained that the son was forsaking Judaism and morality and asked the rabbi what he could do. The Baal Shem Tov answered: “Love him more.”
Shabbat shalom!
Rabbi Mirski
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